The boys in the mailroom dusted off our old trusty analog look-alike machine in dread celebration of the upcoming Buffalo Sabres vs Boston Bruins game! We are pleased with the results…
Brad Marchand nose we’re just kidding around.
With apologies to the late Miss Winehouse.
I…can’t…even…
One still has their baby teeth.
The power is YOURS!
Extended the lockout for his precious…
These predictions are so shocking, so Earth shattering, that they might actually have a slim chance of maybe, someday, under the right conditions, coming true.
#1. Cheerio factory to make Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
Those who enjoy the smell of Cheerios in the morning as they drive over the Skyway, are now in for a special treat. In 2012, General Mills will retool their Cheerios factory to produce Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
While Skyway commuters are having their olfactory senses overwhelmed with the delicious aroma of cinnamon and sugar, police will be watching closely. “Distracted driving is against the law”, explains one officer, “And if we see you enjoying that delicious smell too much, you will get a ticket.”
#2. Roswell Park teams up with Roswell aliens to fight cancer.
Roswell Park, the worlds leading colorectal cancer institute, will collaborate with the Roswell Aliens, the universe’s leading probers of anus, to help fight colorectal cancer.
“No one group has gathered more data on the human rectum than Extraterrestrials. We believe this intergalactic partnership will finally lead to a cure.”
#3. Terry Pegula announces a new Sabres GM.
Just before the close of 2011, Sabres owner Terry Pegula commented to reporters that “My youngest daughter could have made some of those saves”, after an 8-3 loss to Pittsburgh.
In 2012, look for Mr.Pegula to tell Darcy Regier “My 12 yr old son could GM better than you”, and immediately name his son, Matthew, the new General Manager of the Buffalo Sabres.
#4. Hydrofracking gives some Buffalonians super powers.
Environmental groups have long warned about the unknown dangers hydrofracking may have on the environment, especially the water table. These groups can now rest easy, because the contaminated water from hydrofracking has given some WNYers superpowers.
Spokespeople for the Environmental Group remain skeptical. “If there are superheros running around now, then how long will it be before there are super villains?
#5. Bills Mafia goes old school.
The Bills Mafia is group of dedicated Buffalo Bills fans who, in 2011, set themselves apart on Twitter. In 2012, The Bills Mafia will now set themselves apart in the stands at The Ralph by wearing suits.
“If a man went to an NFL game in the 1950′s, he wore a dress suit, not a track suit.” says one Bills Mafia member. “Plus…chicks dig guys in suits, so it was an easy decision”.
Jessie Pegula's controversial armpit
On July 1st, the first day of NHL free agency, Jessie Pegula, daughter of Buffalo Sabres owner Terry Pegula, set Buffalo’s Twitter scene ablaze with one simple Tweet: “So no Richards?”. With those 3 words, Buffalo’s hope for signing #1 free agent center Brad Richards were dashed. Speculation on Twitter and sports talk radio was rampant, even more so after Jessie deleted the Tweet. The official explanation from Jessie was that it was a “ButtTweet”.
A few days later, The Buffalo Observer learned that something similar had happened yet again. We are told by a source that while searching for her keys after tennis practice, Jessie inadvertently placed her phone in her armpit while searching though her gym bag. Jessie’s armpit, not to be outdone by her butt, proceed to send the entire log of SMS texts between Jessie Pegula and her father Terry to the BO.
This has been covered up by the mainstream press, in part because of the shocking revelations they contain about Mr.Pegula’s financial situation. Publishing these texts was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make in the span of my 2 weeks as a journalist. But, in the spirit of the truth, The Buffalo Observer reluctantly releases that conversation.
Jessie Pegula: Hey Dad how are u?
Terry Pegula: I’m at the office going over finances. Not good.
Jessie Pegula: What’s the deal with Richards?
Terry Pegula: There’s something we need to talk about first, sweetie.
Jessie Pegula: What’s up? Richards wont sign with us?
Terry Pegula: It’s not that. We just can’t sign Richards. Daddy’s broke 
Jessie Pegula: Haha yeah right. Have you talked to Richards agent yet?
Terry Pegula: Honey listen, Daddy spent all of our cash. All of it. After signing Lindy, Gerbe, McCormick, Ehrhoff, the new rug in the locker room put us over the top. I just put a 2nd mortgage on the house in Florida.
Jessie Pegula: Stop kidding around lol! I just heard on the radio you were on the jet going to see Richards?
Terry Pegula: That’s ridiculous honey. I sold the jet to sign Leino. Those Finns really know how to negotiate.
Jessie Pegula: Haha seriously though. People want to know the chances of signing Richards.
Terry Pegula: Honey, do you know what the word “insolvency” means?
Jessie Pegula: So no Richards?
